Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**WildWilly** · 11-29-13

A very drunk man stumbles into a piano bar and sits down at the piano. The bartenders yells at him, but he starts playing the piano anyway. He plays for 10 minutes and when he finishes, everybody in the bar is crying after hearing a very beautiful melody. The bartender asks him where he learned the melody and the man says "I wrote it". The bartender asks why he, and everybody else in the bar, has never heard it before. The man says "Because nobody will publish it. Sent it to every music publisher in the world and they all refused to publish it." As he's leaving the bar some one shouts "What's the name of the song?" The man shouts back "I Love You So F###ing Much I Could S##t"

**AlanI** · 12-01-13

Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And how many of you have been sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

**DWS** · 12-01-13

Am I allowed to ban you? ...

**AlanI** · 12-01-13

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a Teaspoon, a Teacup and a Bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand" I said. "A normal person would use the Bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?"

**WildWilly** · 12-01-13

You are rquired to.

Originally Posted by DWS

Am I allowed to ban you? ...

**WildWilly** · 12-01-13

You are now in first place in this contest.

Originally Posted by AlanI

Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"

Wife replies "Kowanini!"

Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And how many of you have been sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

**WildWilly** · 12-01-13

Do you know the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub? A woman in church has hope in her soul.

**WildWilly** · 12-01-13

Do you know the difference between a woman with pms and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

**AlanI** · 12-01-13

Originally Posted by WildWilly

You are now in first place in this contest.

After those last two submissions

- no I don't think so.

**notacop** · 12-01-13

"Am I allowed to ban you?"

I think he's already self ostracized, that's why he's in this here.

**AlanI** · 12-02-13

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face.
'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Shoite,Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto The sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... way.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says 'f... It and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pissed. But how did you know?'
'Mick phoned. You left your wheelchair at the pub.'

**WildWilly** · 12-02-13

A guy has been prepped for a vasectomy and is waiting to be wheeled into the operating room. A nurse comes into his room, climbs in his bed and they make mad passionate love. The guy says. "Gee thanks, but why?" Nurse says "We've discovered if a guy gets off right before the vasectomy, there are less complications." As she's wheeling him down the hall, he notices a guy in a room doing it by hand. He says "What's up with that?" Nurse says "You have health insurance, he has Obamacare"

**DWS** · 12-02-13

what we have here, is a bad case of duelling joke books ...

**WildWilly** · 12-02-13

With me in the fight, it's like duelling with an unarmed man.

Originally Posted by DWS

what we have here, is a bad case of duelling joke books ...

**notacop** · 12-02-13

Never take a rapier sharp wit to a gun fight!

**AlanI** · 12-02-13

Originally Posted by notacop

Never take a rapier sharp wit to a gun fight!

**WildWilly** · 12-02-13

Do you know how to tell if dinosaurs are makng love in your back yard? Your trash can liners will be missing.

**AlanI** · 12-03-13

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says “ that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab”

**WildWilly** · 12-03-13

The piano player at a piano bar takes a break and uses the men's room. He comes out of the men's with his fly unzipped. One of the bar patrons yells, "Hey, do you know your balls are hanging out?" Piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars I'll try to play it"

**TelemarkTumalo** · 12-03-13

Three women are having lunch and the conversation turns to the sad state of their sex lives. One woman says "Well, my husband is a psychiatrist and all he ever wants to do is talk about it". Her friends give their conciliatory nods. The second woman replies "My husband is a gynecologist and all he ever wants to do is examine it". With a fatigued sigh, the third woman says "My husband is a building contractor and all he ever says is that he will get around to it in two or three days".

**AlanI** · 12-05-13

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am.
I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

**mcmonkey mcbean** · 12-05-13

Once again this year, I've had requests for my Tequila Christmas Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

Tequila Christmas Cake
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
... 1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.

Take a large bowl; check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila.

Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.

Whatever you can find. Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

**notacop** · 12-05-13

Cute, Erin. I tequila, two tequila, 3 tequila..floor.

**WildWilly** · 12-05-13

User: My password is not working, why?

Website: Your password has expired, you must register a new one

User: Why do I need a new one, that one was working fine

Website: You must get a new one as they expire every 30 days

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Website: No, you must get a new one

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember

Website: Sorry, you must get a new one

User: OK, roses

Website: Sorry, you must use more letters

User: pretty roses

Website: You must use at least 1 number

User: 1 pretty rose

Website: You cannot use blank spaces

User: 1prettyrose

Website: You must use additional letters

User: 1f*ckingprettyrose

Website: You must use at least one capital letter

User: 1F*ckingprettyrose

Website: You must use additional letters

User: 1F*ckingprettyroseshovedupyour*ssifyoudontgivemeac cessrightf*ckingnow

Website: I'm sorry, that password is already being used

**WildWilly** · 12-07-13

Three girls go to confession and share what they've confessed. The first girl comes out of the confessional and says, "I confessed that i had impure thoughts about a boy's private parts. The priest told me to say 5 Hail Marys and touch my forehead with holy water" The second girl comes out and says "I confesssed that I touched a boy's private parts and I have to say 10 Hail Marys and immerse my hand in holy water" The third girl comes out and says "Move over girls, I have to read the bible and gargle"

**notacop** · 12-08-13

Oh, I think I heard that in Catholic school 50 some years ago. Last I heard it was an approved birth control method......

**trevor** · 12-09-13

Happy Birthday Dunny.

**Richard230** · 12-09-13

Originally Posted by trevor

Happy Birthday Dunny.

Shouldn't that be posted under the "Odd Signs" thread?

**WildWilly** · 12-09-13

A woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder. Guy at the bar says "What's the deal with the parrot?" Woman says, "Guess the weight of my bird and I'll take you back to my place and **** your brains out" Guy climbs down off the barstool, eyes the parrot up & down and says, "I'd say about 500 pounds" The woman grabs his hand and says, "That's close enough"

**richarde1605** · 12-09-13

Which bar?

**WildWilly** · 12-09-13

Originally Posted by richarde1605

Which bar?

It doesn't matter as the parrot gained 475lbs and croaked. (bad pun intended)

**AlanI** · 12-12-13

This has to be a joke surely? God Bless America - now we can all rest easy in our beds.

**WildWilly** · 12-12-13

Originally Posted by AlanI

This has to be a joke surely? God Bless America - now we can all rest easy in our beds.

You left off the caption - "Up s**t creek WITH a paddle"

**WildWilly** · 12-12-13

This is a true story. Early on Thanksgiving morning, I joined my local bicycle club for the annual pre-dinner ride. Even though it was in the low 20s, 12 riders showed up. The group leader asked us to gather together for a photo. He said, as he held his eyefone at arms length, "I want to be in the picture, so I'm taking a selfie" I said, in my outdoor voice, "When I was growing up, a "selfie" was rarely a group activity"

**notacop** · 12-12-13

Willy, you're disgusting. I like that in a person!

**nkaj** · 12-12-13

I protest!

Free Willy. Free Willy

**guidoveloce** · 12-12-13

notacop, you should watch the "cinico tv" (cynical) videos, by Ciprì and Maresco, two sicilian directors. I'm sure you will enjoy with some of those videos, even if you don't speak italian (sicilian slang is useful, often neither the italians can understand). try to search those videos on youtube. simply wonderful!

**AlanI** · 12-12-13

Is there a joke in there somewhere, Guido? If not, thank you and goodbye.

Don't call us we'll call you. Right then, let's get back to WildWilly's willy.

**WildWilly** · 12-12-13

Originally Posted by AlanI

back to WildWilly's willy.

Admins take note. Along with the Thanks, Like, and Dislike options, we need a "I Find This Deeply Disturbing" option.

**notacop** · 12-12-13

I often find some post deeply disturbing. The fact that I understand and agree with them seems completely normal.

**AlanI** · 12-13-13

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

**Richard230** · 12-13-13

Originally Posted by AlanI

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

That is a real stinker, Alanl.

**AlanI** · 12-13-13

If you think that's a stinker, Richard, try this one.

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

**nkaj** · 12-13-13

Who else but the Brits could get away with this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdoO...ature=youtu.be

**WildWilly** · 12-13-13

2 cannibals are eating a clown and one says "Does this taste funny to you?"

**guidoveloce** · 12-13-13

I think that it is a point of view, perhaps also a way to laugh of human misery. sorry, I should have told you that many of these clips are a little bit... hard. actually, the "very disgusting" button should be the right comment for ciprì's and maresco's works (they also made some good films, but I don't think that you would appreciate to spend a couple of ours watching disgusting scenes).

the italian state television transmitted the cinico tv videos for a couple of years at 8:00 pm, at dinner time in italy!
many european cinema critics have the opinion that cinico tv is art... and I can understand why. so these clips are not a joke but a serious thing.

**trevor** · 12-13-13

Originally Posted by nkaj

Who else but the Brits could get away with this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdoO...ature=youtu.be

Shame it's not made by the "Brits".

It's produced by RTE hint...... http://www.rte.ie/search/?query=mrs%20brown

**Wheezer!** · 12-13-13

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?
The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes
home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.
When your husband arrives home intoxicated, take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water.
I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.
The water does beggar all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

**AlanI** · 12-13-13

A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

**Roadpizza** · 12-13-13

Everybody else is posting scripted comedy....we have the real thing...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijz1CdUj5fg

Thread Tools

Display

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions