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Well you may boast RP...........
We have our own fool...
20 Quotes From Tony Abbott
On immigration:
1. ‘Jesus knew that there was a place for everything and it’s not necessarily everyone’s place to come to Australia.’
2. ‘These people aren’t so much seeking asylum, they’re seeking permanent residency. If they were happy with temporary protection visas, then they might be able to argue better that they were asylum seekers’
On rights at work:
3. ‘If we’re honest, most of us would accept that a bad boss is a little bit like a bad father or a bad husband … you find that he tends to do more good than harm. He might be a bad boss but at least he’s employing someone while he is in fact a boss.’
On women:
4. ‘The problem with the Australian practice of abortion is that an objectively grave matter has been reduced to a question of the mother’s convenience.’
5. ‘I think it would be folly to expect that women will ever dominate or even approach equal representation in a large number of areas simply because their aptitudes, abilities and interests are different for physiological reasons’
6. ‘I think there does need to be give and take on both sides, and this idea that sex is kind of a woman’s right to absolutely withhold, just as the idea that sex is a man’s right to demand I think they are both they both need to be moderated, so to speak’
7. ‘What the housewives of Australia need to understand as they do the ironing is that if they get it done commercially it’s going to go up in price and their own power bills when they switch the iron on are going to go up, every year…’
On Julia Gillard:
8. ‘Gillard won’t lie down and die’
On climate change:
9. ‘Climate change is absolute crap’
10. ‘If you want to put a price on carbon why not just do it with a simple tax.’
On homosexuality:
11. ‘I’d probably … I feel a bit threatened’
12. ‘If you’d asked me for advice I would have said to have – adopt a sort of “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about all of these things…’
On Indigenous Australia:
13. ‘Now, I know that there are some Aboriginal people who aren’t happy with Australia Day. For them it remains Invasion Day. I think a better view is the view of Noel Pearson, who has said that Aboriginal people have much to celebrate in this country’s British Heritage’
14. ‘Western civilisation came to this country in 1788 and I’m proud of that…’
15. ‘There may not be a great job for them but whatever there is, they just have to do it, and if it’s picking up rubbish around the community, it just has to be done’
On Nicola Roxon:
16. ‘That’s bullshit. You’re being deliberately unpleasant. I suppose you can’t help yourself, can you?’
Update – Election 2013
On the merits of Liberal candidate Fiona Scott:
17. ‘I think I can probably say [she] has a bit of sex appeal’
18. ‘… [she's] not just a pretty face’
On the subtleties of the crisis in Syria:
19: ‘It’s not goodies versus baddies, it’s baddies versus baddies’
On posing closely with a group of teen netballers:
20: ‘… [a] bit of body contact never hurt anyone’
GASP and he was still voted in...................
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Originally Posted by
richarde1605
GASP and he was still voted in...................
It's like a Zombie movie ... we're in the minority ...
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But look on the bright side he will so fuck up the Aussie economy that all the kiwis will leave
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I heard Bill and Hillary Clinton moved to the mountains and became Hillary Billies ...
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Originally Posted by
DWS
I heard Bill and Hillary Clinton moved to the mountains and became Hillary Billies ...
Just think, If Bill had been in the office in the early 60s, it would have given a whole new meaning to the "Cuban Missile Crisis"
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True story - When Slick Willy (no relation) was running for president, I worked in the customer service department for a large corporation & took calls from all over the U.S. We had a good customer in Little Rock, Arkansas, who asked me to vote for Bill. I asked if he was that good of a candidate. And he said, "Hell no! We're just trying to get him out of Arkansas."
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Do you know why Hillary always wore turtle neck sweaters to Bill's presidential press conferences? So nobody could see her(?) adam's apple moving when Bill was speaking.
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One of our previous PM's, Bob Hawke at this years Americas Cup lunch for the anniversary of Australia II victory tells a joke...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GesFxg1R4K0
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Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
You win the prize, Philip, as that man certainly was the 'worst joke ever' - certainly in my lifetime.
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Volunteer Moderator - Recreational Vehicles
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," he shouts, "this is her husband
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Two atoms are walking along the road.
One exclaims: "Oh no - I think I've lost an electron!"
The other one says: "Are you positive?"
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Here's a seasonal one......
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
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Alan, did you finish your joke book? ... now you've started on your wife's ...
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I confess I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey
Until I turned myself around.
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Originally Posted by
nkaj
I confess I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey
Until I turned myself around.
Norman, did you steal my sign?
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I was wondering where I saw that joke. I searched this thread to see if it were posted here, but I did not find it. I guess I plagiarized it.
It was good enough to be on this thread though.
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"Originality is the Art of concealing your source."- Roadpizza
BMW F800S…….
There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies....
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The original Schwartz Wald Troll
Boy, doesn't the news media want that respected! There was no news leak. I just made it up and I happened to be right! AAAHHHH!
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"There is no such thing as an old or new joke. An old joke is one you've heard before and a new joke is one you've never heard"
Me (or someone I stole this from)
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My neighbor has been bragging for over a month now about his new chainsaw. Here in Maine, chainsaws come on the importance spectrum somewhere after our trucks and the Red Sox, but before our wives, so this is kinda a big deal. Last weekend, I ran into him and mentioned that I saw that he dropped the big maple in his front yard, but didn't bother cutting it up yet. He tells me that the saw doesn't work right, it takes too much effort to use. Being a little bit mechanical, I ask if I can look at it, just to help him out. He brings the saw out, I hit the choke, turn the switch, yank the cord, and its buzzing and snorting like it should. He yells in my ear "WHATS THAT NOISE??"
How much do you need before you have enough?
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Now that is an "old joke" (well a version off it) I first heard when I was about 13.
So that's about 40 years ago. Or is it a joke I heard ages ago which makes me old?
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A couple of years after the 2nd World War, on a train from London , an American was berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are so bloody stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm just me! I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Spanish blood, and some Irish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
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Originally Posted by
AlanI
A couple of years after the 2nd World War, on a train from London , an American was berating an Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are so bloody stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm just me! I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Spanish blood, and some Irish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
His mother had twins and his father demanded to know who the other guy was.
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BMW F800S…….
There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies....
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A buddy of mine said he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked "How do you tell them apart?" He said "That's easy, her brother has a mustache"
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This joke is bad, old and rude.
An elephant is walking through the jungle one day and she steps on a thorn which she can't remove from her foot. It hurts a great deal, and she can't really walk. Looking around for a solution, she spots a mouse running around on the forest floor.
"Excuse me, Mr. Mouse!" she shouts. "I have a thorn stuck in my foot, would you mind helping me remove it?"
The mouse, a cynical old bastard, replies with, "Sure, but it'll cost ya."
"Why, whatever do you mean?" asks the elephant nervously.
"If I get the thorn out, I get to f@ck ya."
"My goodness," says the elephant, suitably shocked. "Well I suppose I have no alternative... Very well then."
The mouse gets to it, popping out the thorn in very short order.
"Okay, pay up," he shouts up to her.
"Yes, of course," says the elephant. "Ehmm, how do you propose we...?
"Just squat down a bit," the mouse interrupts, "I'll climb up your tail."
She does so, and the mouse scurries up to his destination, grabs onto the base of the tail and gets vigorously busy.
A few moments pass and the elephant is thinking, "Well this is indeed odd, but certainly preferable to having that terrible thorn in my foot."
Meanwhile, some monkeys up in the coconut trees have caught wind of the proceedings and, being troublemakers, begin to throw coconuts at the copulating pair below.
After a time, a well-aimed coconut clocks the elephant right between the eyes. She lets out an agonized roar that echoes for miles throughout the jungle.
On hearing her, the madly rutting mouse shouts out, "That's right... take it all, bitch!"
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The original Schwartz Wald Troll
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Originally Posted by
WildWilly
A buddy of mine said he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked "How do you tell them apart?" He said "That's easy, her brother has a mustache"
My wife is a twin.
She has a twin brother.
You would be amazed the number of people who find out she has a twin brother then say
"Are you identical?"
When I first met her I thought she was joking, but I would say about 20% of people ask this question.
Some even insists that different sex twins can be identical. I'll let you Google and argue
But I know they are not, he has bits she does not and vice versa and I know which one I married !
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Here's an appalling bad joke:
What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? ... Frostbite ...
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How does a snowman differ from a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Devon: You've been outappalled.
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Why was the snowman smiling?
He saw the snowblower coming down the street.
Sent from Motorcycle.com Free App
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I think we've got a worst joke tie between Devon & Cheri.
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That was the tie breaker Devon. You are now in first place.
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OK some for the English....
Why do polar bears not eat penguins?
They can't get the wrappers off -- boom boom
How do you get two Whales in a Mini.
Down the M4 and over the Seven bridge.
How do you get two Elephants in a Mini?
Don't be stupid you can't get Elephants in a Mini without first taking out the Whales.
How do you weigh whales?
At a whale way station.
Should I continue?
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Originally Posted by
trevor
Should I continue?
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"putenza du gibbiuni!" dissi u sceccu quannu vitti u mari... ("what a big pool!" said the donkey when has seen the sea...)
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you may well make light of Santa ... but look what the poor old bastard has to go through ...
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A bear wakes up from hibernation and realizes he is horny as hell as well as very thirsty.
Well you would be if you had been asleep all winter.
So he comes out his cave and start walking down the hill towards the lake at the bottom of his mountain.
He see a lion having a drink and thinks I know I bugger the lion.
So he jumps on the lion and starts buggering it.
The lion is furious and says once you get off I'm going to kill you, you filthy bear.
The bear finishes and then realises he has a problem so pushes the lion into the lake and starts running as fast as he can up the hill back to his cave.
The lion gets out the lake and starts chasing the bear.
The bear realizes that the lion will catch him and then sees a small tent under the trees.
So the bear rushes into the tent crawls into the sleeping bag, but then realizes that the lion will recognize him so grabs a paper and pretends to start reading.
The lion sees the tent puts it's head in the door and sees somebody reading a newspaper.
"Have you seen a bear?" asks the lion.
"You mean the one who buggered the lion by the lake?" asks the bear
"Oh f**k says the lions has it made the papers already"
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That joke was barely tolerable and I'm not lyin'.
BMW F800S…….
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crikey Trevor, can't you tell a crappy joke without making a novel out of it ...
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The original Schwartz Wald Troll
I thought verily highly of the bear lion story. Sophisticated ending!
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A woman is browsing in a pet shop and sees a frog for sale for $1,000.00. She asks the pet shop owner why the frog is so expensive. Pet shop owner claims it's a magic frog. He says, "Put this frog in your bed and it turns into a charming prince that will make love to you for hours and hours." Woman buys the frog, takes it home and puts it in her bed. Nothing happens. She calls the pet shop owner and tells him the frog is defective and she wants her money back. Pet shop owner rushes to her house, walks into her bedroom, looks at the frog and says, "OK Mr. frog, I'm going to show you ONE more time!"
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A very scuzzy looking man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. Bartender says "Hey, we don't allow billy goats in here." Guy says "That's no billy goat, that's a parrot." Bartender says "I was talking to the parrot"
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that's not funny ... that happened to me once ...
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