Two jokes for the price of one.........today only.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blond. The puzzled blond kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls.." Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"
BMW F800S…….
There is no words to adequately describe the batshit crazies....
A lorry/truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles in both directions.
Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"
I had a rear tire blowout on my car and I stopped on the shoulder of the highway to change it. Another car pulled in behind me and the driver asked if I had a flat tire. I said, "No. I've got 3 tires with too much air and I stopped to let some out."
2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic-Gone to a new home
Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st
Two guys are at the 19th hole and one of them has a ball sitting on the bar. The bartender says can you please take that ball off the bar. The golfer says but this is a very special ball. The bartender says way.
Well says the golfer....
If you are playing at night (let's not ask why that's another joke) it will raise a little pole with a flashing light on it so you can find it.
Get out of here says the bartender....
But wait there's more says the golfer.
Well that's not all if it lands in the rough it raises a little pole with a flag on it which it waves so you an find it.
Get out of here says the bartender....
By this time the other golfers are the bar are also starting to pay attention.
Well that's not all if it lands in water a little inflatable ring appears to stop it sinking.
Get out of here says the bartender....
Everybody in the bar is now listening you could hear a pin drop.
Not only does the it have a little inflatable ring to stop it sinking but two little oars come out the sides and it paddles to the shore nearest the hole.
"Holey cow!"
exclaims one of the golfer at the bar
"I must get one of those balls where do you buy them"?
"Oh I didn't buy it" says the golfer telling the story.
"So how did you get it?' asked the excited golfer at the bar.
It's a little know fact that heaven and hell are not up and down as is normally thought, but are in fact next door to each other separated by a small fence.
One day God is walking along the fence and notices that it's not in the best condition. In fact there are holes and he see an angel popping over to hell.
He is furious and calls out for Satan.
"Satan Satan" screams God I summon you.
Satan ambles over and leaning on the fence says
"What the f**k do want now?"
"Look at the states of this fence, the holes are big enough for people to crawl through" says God.
"So what" says Satan "Nobody from my side ever goes through it, it's just people from your side coming over for a good time"
God is incensed "YOU KNOW THE LAW" says God.
"Under the fencing act you have to pay for 50% of the up keep of the fence".
"Freck Off" says Satan
Steam is now coming out of God's ears and storm clouds are gathering.
"Just get a fencer to mend it you pile of puss" says god
"Freck Off" says Satan.
God realizes that shouting is not going to work and striking him down wont help he needs somebody to run Hell.
Well says God "If you don't get this fence mended I get my lawyers onto you"
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope walks outside, ties a knot in the middle of his body, brushes out the strands at the bottom and heads back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Aren’t you the rope I just threw out of here?”
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here.” The rope walks outside, ties a knot in the middle of his body, brushes out the strands at the bottom and heads back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Aren’t you the rope I just threw out of here?”
The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
Damn! Just when I think I'm in 1st place, they pull me back out! (Al Pacino in the really bad Godfather)
2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic-Gone to a new home
Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st
A king is trying to save a valuable throne from an invading army. He has the throne moved to a house hidden in the woods. It is a two story house made entirely out of glass. As the king's men are hauling the heavy throne up the glass stairs, the house collapses from the weight. The moral of the story? People in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic-Gone to a new home
Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
You really gotta hand it to her.
She said I had the biggest one she ever held.
I said, "Aw, you're just pullin' my leg.
2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic-Gone to a new home
Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st
Come on guys, Trevor didn't win the 2013 worse joke prize for nothing and if he carries on in this fashion he may also have the 2014 award in the bag.
Amen to that. If he doesn't win in 2014, he'll certainly place in the bottom 10. While I agree it's a tremendous honor, I wouldn't include it on a job application.
2013 F800GT Graphite Metallic-Gone to a new home
Not a 2nd childhood, still in the 1st
A few years back, I had gone to church right before the holidays with me dear old Grannny and Gampy. Grampy was a cantakerous and spiteful old cuss, I'm not sure what my grandmother held over his head to get him to go, but go all three of us did. This being around Christmas time, the priest was talking about Mary, Joseph, and the Holy spirit. I'm trying my best to be good, and it's killing me. I hear this small snore, look over, and see my grandfather with his head on his chest sleeping. Just as the priest asks the congregation who the christmas season is about, granny jabs my grandfather with a hat pin. "JAYZUS!" he yelps. Priest looks over, proud of my grandfathers enthusiasm, and says "Correct". Father Murphy starts going on about Christmas again, asks who the true father of Jesus was. Yup, my grandfather has nodded off again, out come the hat pin. "GOD" Grampy screeches. Father Murphy looks over again and nods approval. Now keep in mind, my grandparents had been married a few years, they knew all each others tricks. Yup, Grampy nods off again as Father Murphy starts on about the angel of the Lord appearing to Mary-something about immaculate conception. Father Murphy asks the congregation what response Mary gave when asked about being the Mother of God. Out comes the hat pin and jab! At this point my grandfather has had enough of this sillyness and yells out "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, YOUR'E DONE!" That, folks, is why I am still not allowed in Church in Northern Maine.
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Originally Posted by AlanI
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