Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**stephen** · 11-11-20

So far it looks like 100%.

**steve n rose** · 11-12-20

The kindergarten teacher thought the kids should tell each other something about their families.
Little Johnny says, 'Well, Miss, my dad has two penises!'
'Don' t be silly, Johnny, that's just not possible. '
' It's true, Miss, he's got a small one he wees out of, and a really big one that he cleans Mummy's teeth with! '

**Flook** · 11-14-20

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

scroll down

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"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!

Oh quit whining I fell for it, too

**Flook** · 11-14-20

If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

**Flook** · 11-14-20

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

**Flook** · 11-14-20

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

**Flook** · 11-14-20

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

**Flook** · 11-14-20

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

**Flook** · 11-15-20

I raced a Harley today. I was riding through the twisting sections of a back country road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "40 MPH". I knew if I was going to pass him, it would have to be a place where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. A few corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down a hill. I think he was shocked to see me next to him. I almost got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me.
My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.
Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the end of the twisties, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him.
I will always remember that moment.....

Cos I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life........

**Richard230** · 11-18-20

How I became unemployed. (from the former communist Czechoslavakia)

I was the director of a large corporate group. My beautiful secretary brewed every morning my coffee, I drove to work in the Tatra 613. Once they came to me asking to pay CZK 5,000 for the funeral of a member of the Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5,000 CZK I would bury the whole Central Committee myself. Since then, I have worked as a business director of a small company. My old secretary brewed my coffee and I drove to work in the Tatra 603. I was once told that I was not attending the last meeting of the Communist Party. I said that if I knew it was really the last, I would have shown up with a banner. I've been a chief mechanic ever since. I drove to work in my own car, brewing coffee myself. I had a picture of Husák (President) and Gina Lollobrigida on the wall. They told me to take the bitch off the wall. I have removed the picture of Husák and have been working in the excavation business ever since. I rode my bike to work and carried my coffee in a thermos can. While I was digging, they came to me asking to hide my bike, the Soviet delegation would be passing by. I said my bike was locked and insured. And I've been unemployed ever since.

**steve n rose** · 11-18-20

What is the difference between Aussie men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

**steve n rose** · 11-18-20

What's an innuendo?
An Italian suppository.

**steve n rose** · 11-18-20

Just imagine, for a moment, if there were no hypothetical situations.

**steve n rose** · 11-18-20

One for Bill.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker with men than women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

**Richard230** · 11-18-20

A new guy in his late 70's showed up at a nursing home.
After a few weeks he claimed to the women he could tell their age by just feeling their tits.
A skeptical women lifts her shirt and when he's done, asks well "what's my age"?
He answered "you're 76".
That's amazing, she asks how did you know that?
"You told me yesterday", was his answer.

**Richard230** · 11-22-20

You learn something new every day.

**Richard230** · 11-23-20

Here are some cartoons for a gloomy Monday.

**Richard230** · 11-24-20

Cat protection hat.

**Flook** · 11-24-20

George phoned home. A young girl answered. Hello darling is mummy there?
She's up stairs with uncle Tony she said. Uncle Tony......! He thinks. Who is that? Oh..... just call up and tell them, I am two minutes away and will be home very soon. Ok, said the girl. and shouts upstairs, Suddenly he hears a loud commotion through the phone. What has happened? He asked. Uncle Tony jumped out of the window into the swimming pool with no clothes on. He did not know you had drained it for cleaning. Oh thought George.... Swimming pool!

**Flook** · 11-24-20

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**Flook** · 11-24-20

My Dad used to hit me with a camera. I still get flashbacks.

**Flook** · 11-24-20

Anyone notace how many people put up posts aboot there old scool days, and how bad thire speling is.
Terrabel aint it?

**Flook** · 11-24-20

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished - I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

**Flook** · 11-24-20

The wife has asked for something in silk for xmas...

No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour

**Flook** · 11-24-20

I was going to get my partner some of that special helicopter oil, but they only had plane

**Flook** · 11-24-20

When you think about it LEGO people must all work in a building

Yeah just a few blocks away

**Flook** · 11-24-20

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**Flook** · 11-24-20

This has perplexed me for years.
Why do noses run, but feet smell?
Answers on atishoo please

**Flook** · 11-24-20

Stop picking on fat people
They've got enough to chew on.

**Flook** · 11-24-20

Police have found a body at a chocolate factory, when asked the time of death, the pathologist said, After Eight.

**Richard230** · 11-25-20

A foolproof intercom.

**steve n rose** · 11-25-20

I thought it may've been a smooth riding testing device.

**Richard230** · 11-25-20

Originally Posted by steve n rose

I thought it may've been a smooth riding testing device.

That too. Designed by a dentist, no doubt.

**Richard230** · 11-26-20

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball."
Man ~ "That's nice."
Boy ~ "Want to buy it?"
Man ~ "No, thanks."
Boy ~ "My dad's outside."
Man ~ "OK, how much?"
Boy ~ "$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ "It's dark in here."
Man ~ "Yes, it is."
Boy ~ "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy ~ "$750?
Man ~ "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy ~ "$1,000?
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost."
"I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

**Richard230** · 11-26-20

Kind of reminds me of the government. He is here to help.

**Richard230** · 11-28-20

For you Start Trek fans:

Q: How is the Federation Starship NCC1701 like toilet paper?

A: They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons...

**Richard230** · 11-28-20

Planet name change.

**Richard230** · 11-29-20

My wife found a spider in the house. She told me to take him out instead of killing him.
Went out, had a few drinks, found him to be a decent guy. Turns out he's a web designer.

**Richard230** · 12-01-20

A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?"
He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later."
The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."

**Richard230** · 12-04-20

Now here is a great Christmas gift.

**Richard230** · 12-10-20

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

**Richard230** · 12-10-20

Doctor's orders.

**Richard230** · 12-12-20

Donald MacDonald from the Scottish Highlands went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his elderly mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people...
...The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop...
...The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" She asked her son.
Donald replied enthusiastically:
"Mother, I keep calm, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

**Flook** · 12-13-20

Richard, in good WW fashion

**steve n rose** · 12-14-20

No, Willy would be blowing his own horn.

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