Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**Roadpizza** · 02-27-14

So he won't go off half-cocked……….

Originally Posted by DWS

and it won't what???

**trevor** · 02-28-14

Oh Cowboy jokes......

A Cowboy rides into town and notices outside the saloon that an Indian is running on the spot.

He goes into the bar and says

"Hey somebody in here has left their Injin running outside"

**WildWilly** · 02-28-14

Originally Posted by trevor

Oh Cowboy jokes......

A Cowboy rides into town and notices outside the saloon that an Indian is running on the spot.

He goes into the bar and says

"Hey somebody in here has left their Injin running outside"

Trevor: You've made back into the top 10.

**WildWilly** · 03-02-14

When I was captain of a bowling team I convinced the guys to name our team "off in the woods" Then when we lost a match, the bowling alley would announce that the winning team beat "off in the woods"

**notacop** · 03-02-14

Like the Russian Poet, Ibin Stokinoff!

**TheMeteor** · 03-02-14

Viktor Kutcherkokov

**Roadpizza** · 03-02-14

Ivan Jackenoff

**Roadpizza** · 03-02-14

Peter Poppoff

**Roadpizza** · 03-02-14

He married a German gal, Sheba Goodentight….she was not into poetry.

**TelemarkTumalo** · 03-02-14

A new business school grad is granted an interview with a Fortune 100 CEO who is also the dad of his fraternity brother. Todd is led into the office by the secretary of Mr. James Kent.

"How are you Todd? My son tells me that you are anxious for a position with us. You know, it is 11:30, so what do you say we do this interview over lunch?"

Todd agrees that this is a great idea. They stroll out of the Wall Street office and to a nearby restaurant. After being seated, their waitress approaches and informs them that "The special is trout almandine and can I start you fella's off with a drink, eh?".

Mr. Kent asks "Young lady, do I detect an accent?"

The waitress replies, "Why sure, I'm from Ottawa and only got to New York a few weeks ago. I guess my Canadian accent has followed me".

She excuses herself to attend to their order. Todd snickers, winks at his prospective new boss and wittingly says..."Canada. There is nothing from Canada except hockey players and whores".

Mr. Kent stiffens and replies "Son, I'll have you know that my wife is Canadian!".

Todd replies "Oh really? What position does she play?"

**trevor** · 03-03-14

Oh name jokes -- you ready

Did you know that Mr Pompidou

and Mrs Pompidon't

**notacop** · 03-03-14

"Peter Poppoff"

A an interesting aside here. There is, or was, an Evangelist by that name in So Cal. Seems some of his donation mails were coming up short. Thet know how much the generous should give. Well, turned out one of the postal employees figured out a way to extract the money from the envelopes with out opening them. The Inspectors moved his desk operation to under the inspection gallery and filmed him at his handy work.
Well, by golly, he lost his job and source of side money.
Aren't you glad that esoteric bit of info came your way?
And now back to the topic...

Thief

**WildWilly** · 03-03-14

I like to call taverns and ask them to page Mike Hunt.

**Roadpizza** · 03-03-14

Phil Atio works a treat.

**AlanI** · 03-05-14

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

**champers** · 03-05-14

Originally Posted by Roadpizza

He married a German gal, Sheba Goodentight….she was not into poetry.

One of my all time favourite reads is "The Russian Farewell" by Yugo Buggeroff.

**WildWilly** · 03-05-14

My favorite read is Yellow River by I.P. Daley

**notacop** · 03-05-14

Yugo Buggeroff.

**trevor** · 03-06-14

Originally Posted by WildWilly

My favorite read is Yellow River by I.P. Daley

Not quite as good as the sequel "Rusty Bed Springs"

**stephen** · 03-06-14

I thought Rusty bed springs was written by I.P. Knightly.

Stephen

**AlanI** · 03-06-14

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with big breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

**CharlieV** · 03-06-14

Originally Posted by WildWilly

My favorite read is Yellow River by I.P. Daley

That was a blatant plagiary of 'The Yellow Stream by I.P. Freely'

**AlanI** · 03-07-14

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired.. Do I have a job?

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"

"Very simple," I said.

"My wife told me that when she wants my effing advice, she'll ask for it...

**notacop** · 03-07-14

What about the NY Times best seller, "Trail in the Desert" by Draggin' Dick?

**Richard230** · 03-07-14

From my elementary school days: "Spot on the Wall by One Flung High".

**CharlieV** · 03-07-14

Q: Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

A: To reach it's head

**trevor** · 03-07-14

Originally Posted by CharlieV

Q: Why does a giraffe have a long neck?

A: To reach it's head

I was told at school so it's head could reach the ground.

**AlanI** · 03-12-14

God visited a man and told him he must give up smoking, drinking and sex if he wants to get into heaven.

The man said he would try his best.

God visited the man a week later to see how he was getting on.

"Not bad" said the man, "I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the lounge suite and I caught sight of her long slender legs,

I pulled her skirt up, pulled her knickers to one side and made love to her right then and there.

"They don't like that up in heaven", said God....

The man replied: "They weren't too happy about it in Wal-Mart either!"

**WildWilly** · 03-12-14

Originally Posted by CharlieV

blatant plagiary

I love it when you talk dirty.

**AlanI** · 03-13-14

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

**TelemarkTumalo** · 03-13-14

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

**Roadpizza** · 03-13-14

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
'Theyre twins! If youve seen Juan, youve seen Ahmal.'

**TelemarkTumalo** · 03-17-14

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

**notacop** · 03-17-14

Drum roll, please, while we wait for the bomb to drop.....

**Roadpizza** · 03-17-14

You get. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

**WildWilly** · 03-17-14

Woman sends her husband to the store for a loaf of bread. She says "If they have fresh eggs, get a dozen" He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

**Roadpizza** · 03-18-14

A new study shows that women with large backsides live longer then men who mention it.

**AlanI** · 03-20-14

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

**DWS** · 03-20-14

you just made that up ...

**AlanI** · 03-20-14

You clairvoyant or what?

**notacop** · 03-20-14

He's a Master of the Obvious!

**davidaid** · 03-20-14

**Roadpizza** · 03-20-14

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.

**DWS** · 03-21-14

yep ... another worst one ...

**WildWilly** · 03-21-14

Originally Posted by Roadpizza

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.

I now have you in 1st place.

**trevor** · 03-22-14

Can't have that.

So.

How do you start a pudding race?

Sago

**DWS** · 03-23-14

**WildWilly** · 03-23-14

Originally Posted by trevor

Can't have that.

So.

How do you start a pudding race?

Sago

Trevor, you're now tied with Philip. Atta Boy!!!

**stephen** · 03-23-14

Is Warren Buffet's $1 billion dollar offer to anyone who could pick the winner in every game of the NCAA basketball tournament proof that no one on Earth at this time is capable of time travel?

Stephen

**AlanI** · 03-23-14

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £/$ 1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £/$ 1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the tax authorities ."

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