Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**Richard230** · 12-14-20

If you are going to do it, go big.

**Richard230** · 12-14-20

More cartoons.

**Flook** · 12-15-20

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9". "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy". And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99".

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go".

The boss scratches his head and says "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99".

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says "Ere you go. One hundred".

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

**Flook** · 12-15-20

I have been wondering, because we all have to wear masks these days where ever we go, then I was considering going into a Bank taking my mask off off and robbing it, question is would I be recognised.

So I go into the bank, remove my mask and hold it up (no not the mask, the bank), the security guy's stand with mouths open, when one says, I do not recognise him, the others yes.

**Flook** · 12-15-20

I am looking for a sheet of Xmas wrapping paper about 40ft long and 2inches wide as I have just bought the wife a new washing line

**Flook** · 12-15-20

3 Irish men in a pub called Mick, Pat & Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?" Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!" Barman said "Triplets!, how come you&Pat are 6ft tall & Tat is only 4ft tall?", "Well!" said Mick "Me & Pat were breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

**Richard230** · 12-15-20

Paddy went to the Doc’s today. There he asked the Doc “do you treat alcoholics”? The Doc replied, “of course we do”
Paddy then says “O' great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint!"

The Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?”
Lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Now why would I be need'in two empty feckin glasses?”

Mary says to Paddy "If you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick” promptly replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy

“Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. “It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”
"O' I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. ”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”

**Richard230** · 12-22-20

An oldie, but a goodie. I decided to add my own ending:

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl." "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Back to the drawing board, apparently. Next time god will have to pick a Noah that lives in Texas, instead of California.

**Richard230** · 12-22-20

And here it is. The Hillbilly Ark.

**Richard230** · 12-23-20

Why the Germans never win sled races.

**Richard230** · 12-25-20

**steve n rose** · 12-27-20

What happens to a lawyer that jumps out of a plane at 36,000 feet without a parachute?

Who cares!

**Richard230** · 12-30-20

Then and now.

**stephen** · 01-08-21

After the events in Washington, Mexico has decided they will pay for the wall. Canada wants one also.

**Flook** · 01-16-21

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be
interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the
table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

**Flook** · 01-16-21

After the Ashes.

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help you?”

“Yes” she said, “I'd like to report a case of sexual assault”.

“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.

“In the park just down the road” she replied.

“Can you describe what happened?”

“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me”.

“Could you give me a description of him?”

“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg”.

“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.

“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an Aussie Cricketer”.

“That's very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his accent?”

“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long”.

**Flook** · 01-16-21

I cannot attach joke OH bugger

**Richard230** · 01-18-21

WHERE TO RETIRE

I can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know "dry heat" is comparable to what hits your face when you open the oven at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

OR

I can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Earthquake, and Drought.

OR

I can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (If you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression

OR

I can retire to Minnesota or Wisconsin where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have ninety-seven recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"

OR

I can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end!

OR

I can move to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $5,000 mountain bike atop your $800 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail

OR
I can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR

FINALLY, I can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind, even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

**steve n rose** · 01-19-21

Definition of a Jewish dilemna.

A half price offer on a bacon sandwich.

**steve n rose** · 01-19-21

If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

**steve n rose** · 01-19-21

Bob met this utterly gorgeous blonde with a stuck-up attitude.
She said, "I don't go to bed with any guy unless he's got a 12 inch penis."
Bob replies, "Oh bollocks then, I'm not cutting 2 inches off for anyone!"

**Flook** · 01-19-21

I met this stunning blond, with a very cuvasiouse figure.
Asked, what do you wana do on a date with me,
she replied - F@@k U,
I replied
Its a date then.

Could not believe my luck

**Richard230** · 01-24-21

Instead of the worst joke ever, how about the worst camper ever.

**Richard230** · 02-03-21

It is time to memorialize this week's Hump Day with a few unnamed cartoons.

**Richard230** · 02-03-21

Here are some cartoons from the Far Side.

**Bryan Baker** · 02-04-21

This is kind of long, take your time but don't blame me after because it's a lame one.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

**Richard230** · 02-04-21

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

**Richard230** · 02-07-21

Corona experts.

Incidence below 100: Experts advise against lock-down easing.

Incidence below 50: It's too early to ease the lock-down measures.

Incidence below 25: The trend is not stable.

Incidence below 5: The virus is still with us.

Incidence at 0: We can't jeopardize our achievements.

**Richard230** · 02-09-21

IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon it all melted.

Alan

**oxytotl** · 02-13-21

This image may not be for the faint hearted

Click image for larger version.

Name: IMG-20210212-WA0026.jpg
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ID: 370835

**steve n rose** · 02-13-21

What is a common name for NZ wives?

Baaaaaarbra

**steve n rose** · 02-13-21

What is a Kiwi's favourite break up song?

The Seekers' "I'll never find another ewe"

**Richard230** · 02-26-21

Here is what keeps my Royal Enfield Bullet moving.

**stephen** · 03-14-21

Happy Pi day. It is also Albert Eintein's birthday.

**Flook** · 03-14-21

Happy birthday to all Pisces everywhere

**Richard230** · 03-16-21

Oops.

**Richard230** · 03-23-21

A friend just dumped a pile of cartoons on me this morning. So I am dumping them on you.

**Richard230** · 03-24-21

I just received another batch of cartoons and will drop them off here in honor of Hump Day.

**Richard230** · 03-25-21

This video telling how Indian boiler room applicants learn to talk Australian is really funny. (It is a good thing they were not trying to tell them how to speak Austrian. It probably wouldn't have been nearly as entertaining) Here is part one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHQRZXM-4xI

And if you didn't learn enough from part one, here is part two. For the full course needed to become an expert in how to speak Australian you will need to sit through a total of eight University of Delhi Linguistics classes, which ends with the citizenship test: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE-al0xSFJo

**steve n rose** · 03-25-21

First one's a fuckin' ripper, mate.
But, struth mate, fair suck of the sav, the next one is a heap of codswallop. You only take roadkill if you did it or you saw it happen.
Stone the bloody crows, it's lucky we don't give a shit about wankers takin' the piss of us.

**Richard230** · 03-31-21

Time for a little Hump Day cartoon. No doubt something that PhotoAl would appreciate.

**Richard230** · 04-04-21

Conspiracy cartoons.

**Flook** · 04-05-21

Due to Covid I had to have a phone consultation with the Doctor.
Me - Doc my wife is deaf
Doc - are you sure
Me- yes.
Doc - okay then try this, stand as far away from her as you can and ask her a question. If she does not reply then stand a bit closer, if not stand closer still.
Me - Okay I will try that Doc, thanks.

Later in the day my chance came.
Me - What do we have for lunch dear. Nothin
I stand a bit closer and ask again - What do we have for lunch dear. Nothin
I stand a bit closer and ask again - What do we have for lunch dear. Nothin
I stand right next to and say -What do we have for lunch dear,
Wife - I have told you four times now "fish and chips.

**Flook** · 04-05-21

Originally Posted by oxytotl

This image may not be for the faint hearted

A-bit sheepish, but I hear the Welsh like their lamb

**Richard230** · 04-09-21

It is hard to argue with this.

**ccwatchmaker** · 04-09-21

Originally Posted by Richard230

It is hard to argue with this.

Richard, Your post reminds me of a fact pointed out by the late George Carlin: "Half the people in the country are of below average intelligence."

**Flook** · 04-09-21

Now too much information, also too many false truths. We are all intelligent but at different levels, depending on area brought up, parents attitude, work/dole cue and dose one believe everything on the internet.

So I am a King, I was a knight, but I was told once a king always a king, but once a night was enough.

Do you believe this hehhehehehehehehehe, hahhahahhahahah

**steve n rose** · 04-09-21

He is but a jester!

**steve n rose** · 04-09-21

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting serious.

**steve n rose** · 04-09-21

Oops, I forgot.
Only read lines 1, 3 and 5 of the above post.

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