Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**WildWilly** · 10-22-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-23-20

When told to "look up" a difficult word
a young Merriam Webster asked
"In what?"

**stephen** · 10-23-20

When George W. Bush was asked how he knew about the weapons of mass destruction, he replied, it was easy, his dad still had the Bills of Sale.

**WildWilly** · 10-24-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-25-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-26-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-27-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-28-20

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**Noel** · 10-28-20

Where do you mount the motor?

**WildWilly** · 10-28-20

On the motor mounts

**WildWilly** · 10-29-20

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**stephen** · 10-29-20

I just saw a Republican political commercial saying Joe Biden is lying about raising taxes. The Republicans sure have the moral high ground on lying, I can not think of any time I heard a Republican lie.

**WildWilly** · 10-29-20

Originally Posted by stephen

I just saw a Republican political commercial saying Joe Biden is lying about raising taxes. The Republicans sure have the moral high ground on lying, I can not think of any time I heard a Republican lie.

read my lips.......no new taxes
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**WildWilly** · 10-29-20

What side of a werewolf has the most hair? The outside

How does a witch keep her hair in place? Scare spray

What's a monsters favorite veggie? Candy Corn

What goes OOB!!! A ghost flying backwards

**WildWilly** · 10-30-20

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**WildWilly** · 10-31-20

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

**Richard230** · 10-31-20

My daughter sent me this T-shirt picture.

**WildWilly** · 11-01-20

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**WildWilly** · 11-01-20

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**steve n rose** · 11-01-20

A concrete mixer has collided with a prison van.

The public have been advised to be on the look out for 16 hardened criminals

**steve n rose** · 11-01-20

I went to the doctor and asked for something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.

I said to the doc, "I've broken my arm in 3 places"
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places."

**steve n rose** · 11-01-20

Why was there thunder and lightning in the research laboratory?

The scientists were brainstorming.

**steve n rose** · 11-01-20

A man walks into the doctors with a strawberry in his ear.
The doctor said,"Don't worry I've got some cream for that."

**steve n rose** · 11-01-20

Why did 5 and 6 look shocked?

Because 789.

**steve n rose** · 11-02-20

I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

**steve n rose** · 11-02-20

Everyone at the wedding got very emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.

**steve n rose** · 11-02-20

Teacher:"what is the chemical formula for water?"
Pupil:"HIJKLMNO"
Teacher:"what are you talking about?"
Pupil:"yesterday you said it was H to O."

**WildWilly** · 11-02-20

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**WildWilly** · 11-03-20

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**WildWilly** · 11-04-20

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**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

A bit aussie humour history here.
Dad and Dave are father and son bushies in Aus folklore, and Mabel is Dave's wife. They're kinda similar to rednecks.

Dad and Dave were standing watching a dingo licking it's privates. Dave said to Dad, 'Just between you an' me, I've wanted to do that all my life.' Dad said,' Go ahead, I'd pat him a bit first. He looks pretty vicious to me. '

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

'Dad, there's a new pub in Snake Gully. And for a dollar ya get one of them new light beers, then they take ya out the back and ya get a root'
'Really,' Dad says, 'are you sure about this, Dave?'
'Yep.'
'Have you been there?'
'No, Dad, but Mabel has.'

**Flook** · 11-06-20

The Madam opened the brothel door in Cork City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking old man in his late 70’s or early 80’s:
“May I help you, sir?” She asked.
The old man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.
He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged €10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the old man pulled out €10,000 and gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the old man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.
“There are no discounts. The price is still €10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the old man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the old man.
“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The old man replied. “Montenotte”
“Really.” She said. “I have family in Montenotte”
“I know.” The old man said.
“Your sister died and I am her solicitor. She asked me to give you your €30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is, that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a Solicitor.

**stephen** · 11-06-20

Is it too soon to post jokes about Joe Biden?

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

Dunno, he's not president yet.

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

A farmer returned from a holiday in Bali. 'Christ, those coconuts are beaut. You can get milk out of them without having to get up at 3 in the morning and risk getting kicked in the balls.'

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

Two dark skinned gents were talking.
'How' s your brother? '
' He passed away, ' his friend replied.
' I'm sorry, ' said the first gent,' I didn't realised he'd been arrested. '

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

How do French women hold their liquor?
By the ears.

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

There's a riot in an Irish prison.
The Governor tells the guards to evict the troublemakers.

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

A boss decides to sack his lazy Irish cleaning lady.
'Look, Bridget, I can write my name in the dust on the desk.'
'Can you now, sir?' she replied, 'Isn' t education a wonderful thing! '

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

Have you heard about the Irishman who waited outside a brothel for hours.?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

What's long, hard and fucks New Zealanders?
High School.

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

An American, an Aussie and a New Zealanders are walking down a country lane when they come across a ewe caught in a fence with it's bum facing the road, gyrating and exerting itself to try and get free.
The American says, 'Goddam, I wish that was Madonna. I' d give her a reason to wriggle! '
The Aussie says,' I wish that was Kylie Minogue, I'd be up that like a rat up a drainpipe.
The Kiwi says, 'I wish it was dark!'

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

What is a Tasmanian man's idea of foreplay?
Are you awake, mum?

**steve n rose** · 11-06-20

What's the difference between a racist and a bucket of sludge?
The bucket.

**Flook** · 11-07-20

I am cringing folks awful jokes, hehehehehe

**Flook** · 11-07-20

To Our American Cousins on the Eve of the 2020 Elections!!

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

The the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.”

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.’
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsupbut with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

P.S.: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

**Flook** · 11-11-20

Ok, not happy.
Just been into TESCO’s and it was nuts, yet again they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly i headed to the checkout and ask if they had any more and they said firmly “NO” almost to the point of being rude !!!!
Walking back to the toilet with my trousers and pants around my ankles was a walk i never want to have to do again.

**stephen** · 11-11-20

Having a big nose is no excuse for not wearing a mask. I still wear underwear.

**steve n rose** · 11-11-20

I wonder if all Stephens are like that?

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