Worst Jokes Ever!!!

**Flook** · 06-05-21

Richard the Aussies call us English Poms. The Americans are Yanks. Some call us Brits a:- bar steward/s

Flattened

**Richard230** · 06-05-21

Originally Posted by Flook

Richard the Aussies call us English Poms. The Americans are Yanks. Some call us Brits a:- bar steward/s

Flattened

It would be interesting to know how those names were first thought of. I wonder why the English are called Poms by the Aussies? I have always wondered why the British call Americans "Yanks"? And Mexicans call Americans Gringos. I guess you had to be there at the time.

**Richard230** · 06-05-21

Check out my new ATV.

**Flook** · 06-07-21

I am glade he is wearing trouser braces

**Richard230** · 06-07-21

Originally Posted by Flook

I am glade he is wearing trouser braces

That makes two of us.

Except we call them "suspenders" on this side of the Pond.

**Flook** · 06-07-21

Ah, suspenders, do not get me going, women wear them to hold up stockings, oooohhh nice

.

**Richard230** · 06-09-21

Here are some more email cartoons received from an old friend. I just picked out the ones that I liked. BTW, you get what you pay for.

**steve n rose** · 06-09-21

And you didn't pay for these, I gather?

**Richard230** · 06-09-21

Originally Posted by steve n rose

And you didn't pay for these, I gather?

Not a cent. They were shipped for free.

**Flook** · 06-09-21

Last one is for the arseholes (now I am band

)

**Flook** · 06-09-21

Richard (Snafu) should change his name to Richard 7 bikes

**Richard230** · 06-13-21

A 95 year old man goes in for his annual check up, only to find his old doctor has passed away.

The young replacement checks him over and tells him he's in great shape for his age.

"Aren't you forgetting something? Old doc Johnson always checked my sperm count.”

"But you're 95" replies the youngster.

The old man persists and gets his way. The doctor gives him a specimen bottle and tells him to return it with his sample.

A few days later the old man returns with his head hung low and hands him the empty jar. The doctor smiles "Have a little trouble old timer?"

The old man replies "Doc, I tried with my left hand and I tried with my right. Edith, God bless her, she tried with her teeth in and she tried with her teeth out...

but we CANNOT get the lid off this bottle.

**Richard230** · 06-19-21

**Richard230** · 06-28-21

A fellow on the Royal Enfield forum came up with this explanation of the old Soviet economic system which I thought was both funny and likely pretty accurate:

Well, with the actual Soviet system you produced 4 widgets a day but recorded you made 6.

The transport guy would pick up your 4 widgets to drop at the railway station but record he collected 6.

The railway yard would receive the 4 real widgets and 2 imaginary ones and ship 2 real ones and 4 of the imaginary ones to Moscow and stockpile the other 2 real ones, as there was insufficient rolling stock available to ship 6 real widgets, and anyway maybe they could sell the left over real ones, that did not fit on the train, on the black market (there being no real black market for imaginary widgets) as they had not been paid in over a year and needed the cash.

At Moscow the 6 widgets (2 real and 4 imaginary) would be put in storage. No one minded the shortfall, as there was insufficient space to store 6 real widgets anyway.

An inventory at a later date would reveal that 4 of the stored widgets (the imaginary ones) had been stolen initiating an investigation into theft in the Moscow warehouses. Though no-one really cared because there was no actual demand for widgets as they were obsolete tech that no one really wanted.

I suppose in a way it was a Cold War era forerunner of Futures Trading in the west - where people buy and sell imaginary cows.

**Richard230** · 07-09-21

Anyone recall the song Ghost Riders in the Sky? Well, here is a new version, Ghost Chickens in the Sky: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pkdci55adqk&t=5s

**Richard230** · 07-09-21

**Richard230** · 07-23-21

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly… The sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.” The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.” The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.” The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this, Father?” The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Son, go get your Mother.

**Richard230** · 08-03-21

Someone on the Royal Enfield forum posted this photo, which gives you an idea of what interests them - tractors and babes.

**Richard230** · 08-05-21

Karma vs. Dogma.

**Flook** · 08-06-21

On a F8 no doubt

**Richard230** · 08-06-21

The Walmart greeting.

**Flook** · 08-06-21

I bet he is an F8 rider though

, greetings and may the force be with you Mr Walmart

**Richard230** · 08-21-21

And this is how the fight started, your Honor.

**Flook** · 08-21-21

All over a pussy

**Richard230** · 08-21-21

Originally Posted by Flook

All over a pussy

The word is that her boyfriend now has a red light suppository.

**Richard230** · 08-23-21

DEAD HORSE

"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse."

However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that the dead horse can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as 'living impaired'.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and / or training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overheads and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

**steve n rose** · 08-25-21

I've never travelled overseas, but I did get an invitation to go to Paris at one time.
I had a French letter with come in it.

**Richard230** · 08-25-21

I can see the point of getting lots of shots from this nice lady.

**Richard230** · 08-30-21

**Richard230** · 08-31-21

Just trying to stay healthy.

**stephen** · 09-02-21

There are calls for the military to airlift women and children out of Texas.

**stephen** · 09-03-21

It is interesting that no one predicted how fast the Taliban would take control of Texas.

**Richard230** · 09-21-21

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Fred and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.

Fred staggers in disheveled and eyes all bloodshot.
So they asked "Man, what happened?"

Bill said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips.
Fred sat up and watched me all night."

**Richard230** · 09-28-21

Well guys, here is likely the worst joke ever posted on this thread. Unfortunately it is true and not a joke: There is a very destructive fire that started a couple of weeks ago called the Fawn Fire located in Northern California, just north of Redding. So far it has burned over 8,537 acres, 41 homes and 90 other structures. It is still active and is currently 35% contained.

The woman, Alexandra Souverneva, who started the fire is a 30-year-old graduate of the California Institute of Technology. While there she obtained two chemistry degrees and at one time worked in medicinal chemistry as a research associate at the biotech companies Gilead Sciences in Foster City and Nanosyn in Santa Clara, California. In her LinkedIn profile she describes herself as a "shaman" and is a registered member of the Green Party.

Here is the punchline: This morning the news reported that she claims to have started the fire while boiling a pot of bear urine. She told investigators that she was hiking in the forest and became thirsty. She saw a large pool of liquid, which she assumed was bear urine. She decided to collect it and then boil it so that it would be safe to drink. During the boiling process (the report did not say what she was using as a pot to boil the urine) her fire got out of control and quickly started the Fawn Fire. If convicted of starting the fire she faces up to 9 years in state prison.

**Richard230** · 09-29-21

I just received an email dump with a batch of old folks cartoons. Here are some of the better ones.

And one more for us motorcycle garage mechanics.

**Richard230** · 09-29-21

Q: What's round, brown, and sits on a piano bench?
A: Beethoven's last movement.

**Richard230** · 09-29-21

An engineer, mathematician and accountant are all applying for the same job. The engineer goes in first and the interviewer asks the engineer:
"What's two plus two"
The Engineer responds:
"4, obviously but let's make it 5 to be on the safe side"
...
Next, the mathematician walks in and the interviewer asks him:
"What's two plus two?"
The mathematician takes out a notebook and works for 30 minutes, gives the interviewer the notebook and says:
"Here is a proof that demonstrates that 2+2 does, in fact, equal 4" ...

Next the accountant walks in, and the interviewer asks:
"What's two plus two"
The accountant looks around, shuts the door, closes the blinds and asks the interviewer:
"What do you want it to be?"

**Richard230** · 09-30-21

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

**Richard230** · 10-01-21

The UK gas crisis is starting to generate cartoons.

**Richard230** · 10-07-21

Here is a good one.

**Richard230** · 10-12-21

More funny cartoons.

**Richard230** · 10-12-21

A preacher has a teenage son and decides it’s about time for him to choose a profession.

Like most teens his age; the son isn’t too concerned about the subject.

So the preacher decides to try an experiment.

One day when the boy is at school he puts: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a Playboy magazine on the bed stand in the boys room.

‘I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up..”
“If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
“If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

“But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
“And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered. “He’s gonna run for Congress.”

**Lighning** · 10-13-21

One for the Great WildWilly who passed on before I got back into motorcycling.

I am proud Irish (O’Flaherty) so I can legally tell this bad Irish joke.

What is the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral?

One less drunk.

**Richard230** · 10-16-21

**Richard230** · 10-24-21

A dead duck tale:

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

**Richard230** · 10-27-21

After the party, the ride home.

**Richard230** · 10-30-21

It is getting close to that time of the year again.

**IanA** · 10-30-21

Motorcycle commercials. Some very not PC. Some weird, most hilarious! LMAO

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEn6j4PvYfg

**Richard230** · 11-06-21

Here is a good one.

Morty Applebaum bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back," said Morty.

"Can't do that,” replied the farmer. “I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Morty and asked, "Whatever happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won,” said Morty. “So I gave him his two dollars back."

**Richard230** · 11-06-21

I really like this cartoon that was published in yesterday's newspaper.

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